In my own skin
This may all sound so random and all over the place. If that bothers you, don't read it. I really enjoy putting my heart on paper sometimes to let it all hang out and see where it takes me....Lexi is really starting to notice things, character things. There have been certain character issues I have been dragging around like a noose on my neck that I wanted to get rid of before I "gave" them to Lexi, Lauren, or even Will. Nothing like having children that makes you want to mirror the one who made ya! This post is too long and wordy but the bottom line is...my self esteem stunk. Why, who knows? What I do know is that God is bigger than me and I needed to quit believing the lies I told myself....I can't wait for the bible study to start!! I was going to delete all I wrote below but decided to just leave it. No one but myself would even make it to the end of it anyway! :)...Huh Danielle! :)
Lately, in the fog of my mind, I have been seeing a few things a little clearer. First, I really like being thirty. I accomplished a lot in my 20's but struggled with so many aspects of myself and who I am and want to be that I am glad they are behind me. It was like I never took a breath until I accomplished every detail of what I set out to do. I was so afraid of failure or letting someone/something down. I am my own worst enemy at times. Second, I have learned the only person I answer to is God. I have always had the hardest time struggling with guilt. In an instant, I can be having a great day and a single sentance from someone would send me reeling in a pit of guilt. I don't know why I have been that way or what made me that way, but I have always struggled with it as long as I can remember. I am now done with that. I can sense when a conversation or a situation is headed that way now and have learned how to steer clear of those emotions or actually to let it go and realize the majority of the time it is not my fault. It is something the other person needs to deal with themselves and their own issue.
Along with the guilt came the people pleasing. At the expense of myself or sometimes even my family I would drop everything and do whatever someone else wanted me to do.I would try so hard to "make" someone like me. I have done crazy things in my past quests for "friendships." Really, it was stupid crazy....I also had the horrible habit of apologizing for things that are not even my fault! Even worse, apologizing for something I believe in if the person I'm with doesn't agree with me....I don't feel that way anymore. I do think though, that I am not the only one who ever felt this way or struggles with some of the same issues that I did. That is why I am even sharing all this junk about my heart. I want you to know it is okay. It is possible to get out of the miry pit and move on with your life. Let go and let God! Thank you Lord!
The first step in changing, I believe, is admitting it...which I have done. Just come face to face with who you really are....the good, bad, and really ugly. Now, I have even shared it with the whole world. My next step is going to be to do something about letting go of it Go ahead and get over yourself! It really isn't all about me. Get over myself! It really is so liberating. There is such a peace now in my life in the area of friendships, who I choose to be friends with, and even with family. Yes, I have made mistakes, big ones, but God has forgiven me and now so have I forgiven myself. There is nothing to prove and no one to prove it to anymore.
I am comfortable in my own skin. I know who I am. I know that I love God, my husband, my kids, my family and friends, and that I genuinely like to help others. The is no one I want to impress and if it takes that for there to be a relationship I am not participating. I am by no means perfect and don't want to be. There will always be people that don't like me, agree with me, and are just plain mean. That is ok...it is not my job to fix it or them. I LIKE to work, run and work out, do a bible study with homework, stay up late, stretch myself too thin, use text messaging to communicate, turn my phone off sometimes, be challenged in life and in my thoughts, drink diet coke, wear high heels when I get "fixed up", wear my work out clothes everyday, all day with a hat and not wear make up, make a to do list and finish it everyday (or not), get a bargain or sometimes splurge, cook, have a clean house (notice I did not say for me to clean), and be by myself for a little while each day. All those things are part of who I am and they are all ok. I am at peace with God and don't feel the need to apologize anymore for any of it. Am I vain? More than likely....but also, I like to feel good about myself and I have a certain expectation that I strive to reach. Yes, I fit into my pre-pregnacy jeans. It was never an option for me in my mind not to get back. Willpower and discipline have always come very easy for me....that area is just not something I have any struggles with! :) I have worked very hard to do it and there are bumps and marks underneath those jeans that show I carried all three of those kiddos. They now make me proud. I earned them. I gave blood, sweat, tears, and a lot of me to get them here and those words aren't just for the dramatic affect. I gave it and those babies are worth everybit of it and more.
I love them like no other. I am their mommy, their safe spot, and someone who will protect them and love them unconditionally. I may not mother the way you would but that's ok too. I am soft, hard, firm, easy, consistent, slack, and everything in-between. I fail, I do some things great. I learn something new everyday.
God just wants me to be real, with myself and others. The other day I heard something that stuck with me. She was talking about a personality characteristic. She said something like...I don't apologize anymore for ---- I own it. It is who I am....That is true. We aren't cookie cutter people, thank goodness! How boring life would be~ He doesn't ask me to be perfect..He asks me to seek His face and follow Him.
That is exactly what I am trying to do......
I hope my words and thoughts please you. Lord, you are my Rock, the one who saves me.” Psalm 19:14
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me and through each night I sing his songs, praying to God who gives me life.” Psalm 42:8
Don’t think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us.” - Romans 12:3b
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.” - Philippians 2:3
Comments
Re: In my own skin
I am sitting here crying because you taught me alot this morning. I had no idea we struggled with so many of the same things. Realy, I always thought we were so different and in so many ways we are but we struggle with so many of the same things. Love your post and I am trying to get there myself.
Love you
Re: In my own skin
I just wanted you to know that I have always admired you in so many ways! You are truly a Gift from God and i am proud to say that we are friends. I hope to become comfortable in my own skin as well.
Love you!
Re: In my own skin
Read it, read the whole thing! And your own skin is looking pretty hot too :). Well a little comic relief is my middle name. But already new this about you, my friend. I love you and I am so proud of the woman you have been and the woman you are today...and not because I have the bff blinders on :). I love you, lets dine soon, I'm sorry I have been MIA! love D
Re: In my own skin
What a wonderful post! You said so many things that had me saying "me too!!!!". Thanks for putting it all out here for us to read and for being so honest. Made me think of one of my favorite scriptures in the bible......
1 Corinth 15:10 But by the grace of God, I am what I am!!
Re: In my own skin
You go girl. I can relate to so many points you made. My husband and I do not worry about any of this world but one another and our children. God gave them to me and me to them and I couldn't ask for anything more in this life! I have to remind myself often that I can always change my disposition even when I can't change my circumstances! It has worked pretty well for me over the years!
Re: In my own skin
Dear, sweet Tenille, thank you for sharing with us! You have so many people that love you and hold you dear (including 3 of us in Houston), and I am always humbled when I read your thoughts...because it is easy for us as individuals to think we are alone in our insecurities. You always strive to conquer yours with such grace. You are a shining example not only for your own beautiful children, but for all of us who are fortunate to call you our friend.
Re: In my own skin
Tenille,
I have ALWAYS been so proud of you and delighted that you share with us what is REAL and from your heart. Wait until you are in your 40s. I loved my 30s, but REALLY love my 40s. Every decade brings such truth, wisdom and forgiveness of ourselves and others. I hope I didn't come across too brash in my last post, but I just said what I feel in my heart, too. We don't all have to be cookie cutter Christians - the important thing is that we have our own relationship with our Heavenly Father. I used to let it bother me when people at my church were unfriendly or didn't include me...now...I can honestly say...doesn't bother me in the least. And actually...I'm glad I'm not included in activities with people who don't want to include me. That is A-okay with me. I just focus on the relationships with those that do have a lot of love in their heart to share, and want to share it. You will find that you get more comfortable in your own skin as you get older. Life is such a gift, and I think as we get older, we cherish it and the relationships that matter so much more!!! Much love to you, Russ and the kiddos,
Laurey
Re: In my own skin
Okay...it's like you took the words right out of my mouth! You put everything down that I have dealt with concerning myself for so long! I'm trying to get where you are too. I am finally making a little bit of headway, I think. And, you are right. It is liberating. Whew...I hated always feeling bad for someone not liking me, always needing to feel accepted, feeling insecure. I think a lot of it had to do with the job I had but that is behind me, thank goodness! Now I know what to be aware of and I'm determined not to head down that road again! THanks for sharing, TEnille!
Re: In my own skin
Wow, well read the whole thing. And I just have to say I had no idea you had all these thoughts and worries. I have always thought you had everything together so well. I thought that I was the one drowning in self-doubt, worry about others thoughts/opinions/ feelings/expectations/etc. Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I am so much the people pleaser, overapologizer, back down from my opinions if someone else is stronger/louder/seems more important. I have been working very hard lately as well to be my own person and the wife/mother/child of God/lady that God wants me to be, that God has always wants me to be. Knowing how important I need to make myself be the Godly mother for Jonathan has truly helped me come into my own. Of course, I am not near strong enough, but I hope with God's help that I will move a little closer every day. And that I will continue to quit worrying about other people. (sorry this is so long, I am a rambler!!) I do love your post, it made my day all that much better!
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